Why Do We Hurt The Ones We Love?

Why do we say the things that hurt the most to the people we love the most?  I've heard this question many times over the years in working with couples, and I have even asked it regarding myself a few times.

Googling this question gives results such as self-sabatage, lack of  trust, vulnerability issues, and attachment styles. Yet sometimes it’s easier to find the insights that help us most by looking at own lives rather than everyone else’s. What can we learn from the context of the situations in which we find ourselves hurting those we love?.

One day in grade 7, I was playing football on my Junior High Team.  At that point in life, I was still big enough to be a line backer, and on one particular play I suddenly had déjà vu. I recognized the pattern of the play unfolding before me. One guy went one way, another went the other way, and a third pulled up short just before the line of scrimmage, turned around, and caught a pass. I probably recognized the pattern because I had been burned on it a few plays before.  Because I recognized the pattern before the pass was thrown, I was able to step in and catch it myself. I didn’t get very far with the ball, but it was fun. It was my first interception, and I received a lot of slaps on the back.  Most sports teams have a set of plays/patterns/scripts like this. In a script (using "script" avoids confusion) players have specific roles and each one has to commit to their role for success.,

Just like in team sports, we develop scripts in our interpersonal relationships. We develop scripts or ways of coordinating our actions with others in repeating ways. Those scripts maybe sharing the bathroom in the morning, dealing with confrontation, facing people we’ve disappointed, reacting when we feel misunderstood, even knowing which fork to use during what course in a fancy meal, just about anything we do that involves other people.

So, when you find yourself experiencing relational déjà vu, that feeling that you’ve been in this emotional place before with this same person, it might be helpful to examine the script that you’re playing.  How do you feel about the script?  What do you like or dislike about it? How does the script usually play out? What is the result of the script in your life and other's?

Now, you may be thinking, “Wait a minute…the problem is that I can’t stop acting out of my feelings with my loved ones. I get angry and I say and do angry things, I am afraid, and I run away or freeze up. What does it matter what kind of script I am in or role I am playing? The problem is my emotions and my actions. I need to be able to think before I act and calm myself down.” But, what if context is more influential on our emotions and behaviour than we think it is? Consider how your emotions and behaviour might change if you’re caught up in road rage and suddenly discover the person in the other car is a cop. What happens if we first believe we have just lost a sports contest, then suddenly realize that we have won, because the other team broke a rule. What if you’re watching kids on the playground and see what you believe is someone else’s child hurt, but then, suddenly realize it is your child. Each of these scenarios has two contexts, and each context has associated emotions and actions  different than those of the other context in the scenario. Would you expect yourself or another to be able to quickly switch between the contexts and the associated feelings and behaviours ?

I’ve seen it happen many times in my own life and in other's. Taking a reflective look at the relational context and our perceptions in that context can help us in working with both our emotions and behaviour.

The final piece in this work of relational awareness is developing a new or different understanding of the context associated with different emotions and actions. We have to commit to changing the script or coming up with a new one. This is not easy work, of course, but it can make life more enjoyable and fulfilling for ourselves and those we love if we are willing to examine our scripts and consider different patterns of feelings and actions that will help lead to different results.